In the therapeutic context, boundaries are no-brainers. Beyond the obvious limits portrayed in media, like touch, dating, or contact outside of sessions, there’s also an array of normative therapeutic boundaries. These are the structural and relational norms that keep therapy safe, contained, and effective. They include consistently starting and ending sessions on time, navigating self-disclosure thoughtfully, balancing a personal and professional tone during emotionally charged moments, and modeling safe communication and conflict resolution skills in real time. When maintained carefully, these boundaries create the space for meaningful, restorative therapeutic relationships to thrive. They are the physical and emotional parameters that safeguard the relationship. Within this space, relational healing can take place.

Outside therapy, boundaries often feel more nuanced. And let me be clear: they’re still complicated for therapists; we just get structured education and support around them.

Many of us never learn how to set a boundary. Many of us have directly or indirectly learned it was ‘mean’ to openly disapprove of a behavior.

Likewise, many of us never learn how to effectively respond to a boundary. Inevitably, many of us take them personally and view them as character flaws. Some internalize this shame, while others project it outward, causing the person brave enough to set a boundary to feel immense guilt for expressing a very human need for space.

Some aftereffects:

• The person who sets a boundary may learn it isn’t safe to do so, and either retreats silently from the relationship or further from themselves.
• The person who receives the boundary may over-compensate by people-pleasing, engage in reassurance-seeking behaviors, push back against the boundary, or decide they don’t want to deal with feeling “bad” and retreat.

This creates a cycle of high control paired with minimal connection. There are no winners.

So, what can we do?

We start by being honest with ourselves, as it is safe to assume we have all been on the giving and receiving end of a boundary in some capacity.

Some reflection questions we can ask ourselves:
*Disclaimer: only when emotionally regulated and grounded*

• When was the last time I set a boundary? How did I know I needed to set one?
• When is the last time I felt safe enough to establish a boundary with someone else? What qualities did that person and that relationship possess?
• What does emotional safety feel like to me?
• Am I trying to connect or control?
• What assumptions am I making here? Is that assumption fair to the other person or our relationship?
• What changes do I feel comfortable making to preserve both the relationship and my self-esteem?
• How do I know when I am being triggered? What can I do to ground myself before responding?

Change always starts with awareness, and taking these moments to reflect is the first step toward healthier, more connected relationships.

Happy reflecting!