A Case of the Shoulds

Quick survey: Who here has actually felt better after someone told you:

• “You have nothing to worry about.”
• “Just don’t think about it.”
• “Look on the bright side.”
• “But you have so much to be grateful for.”

Now, how about when you tell yourself:

• “I should be further along in my career.”
• “I should be in a relationship.”
• “I should be having fun.”
• “I should have known better.”

And what about when the “should” falls onto others?

• “They should know better.”
• “They should have known this would upset me.”
• “They should be able to know what I want.”

Although often well-intentioned, “should” statements rarely help us get what we want. Instead, they tend to leave us stuck, resentful, or caught in shame spirals. They offer the illusion of control while keeping us disconnected from what is actually happening.

So if “should” statements aren’t helping, what do we do instead?

First, we can normalize it all. Pain is part of being human, and it doesn’t disappear simply because we tell it to. If it did, far fewer of us would find ourselves trapped in this cycle.

We can also notice these thoughts for what they are: a string of words our minds have put together. We can ask ourselves whether they’re helpful, whether they’re telling us anything new, or whether they’re simply repeating a familiar story. If they’re not serving us, we don’t always have to dissect them or go deeper. Sometimes we can simply let them pass.

We can also begin to loosen our attachment to them and view them as data. Maybe the “shoulds” are highlighting areas of our lives where we feel disconnected—from ourselves, from others, or from our values. Maybe they’re pointing to the gap between where we are and where we want to be.

And sometimes, the bigger the gap, the bigger the hurt.

The problem isn’t that these thoughts show up. They’re going to show up—that’s part of being human. The problem is when we treat them as facts rather than information.

Instead of arguing with the thought or getting stuck in it, we can acknowledge the hurt underneath it. We can validate our experience, make room for the discomfort, and decide what matters to us from there. Then, we can let the thought be there and still take a step toward the life we want.