The Need to Be Seen vs. the Fear of Being Misunderstood

People can act as emotional mirrors. In psychology, this is called attunement, the experience of “feeling felt.” It’s the process of having someone respond to and reflect our experience back to us in a way that makes sense. In a way that feels safe and understood.

Through this, we better learn who we are. When we learn to trust our own experiences, we’re better equipped to connect with ourselves and with others.

Of course, it’s never that simple.

As people, we carry confusion and shame, thoughts and feelings we hold close to our chests. And we fear having them invalidated.

The “what ifs” are endless: What if we’re wrong? What if sharing only confirms that something is wrong with us? What if someone takes our experience personally and makes it about them? What if our words get twisted? What if we’re disliked simply for voicing how we feel?

Not only do we risk having our experience invalidated or erased completely, but we also start to layer on the oh-so-familiar feelings of guilt, self-doubt, and shame. We turn natural human emotions into something that convinces us we are wrong, that we are inherently damaged.

Underneath all of this, familiar themes emerge. Emotions most of us are carrying, even while believing we are alone in them.

And yet, many of us feel “othered.” We worry we’re flawed beyond repair. We struggle to communicate the very things we desperately want to share. We would do anything to hear a “me too”. Our wires get crossed, and we learn that being human is something to be ashamed of.

And still, there is that deep longing for connection and community, one we both want and fear at the same time.

So, what can we do?

I wish I could answer that fully in a blog post. But a good place to start is one step at a time. We can begin by being honest with ourselves about how we’re feeling and about how certain relationships impact us. We start slowly.

And when we’re ready, we practice extending that vulnerability outward, gradually, and with safe people.

Building real trust and connection takes time.

Good things always do.